I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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