when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Randomize
