We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
hell yes lets make some ravioli
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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