i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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