Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
