also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
