i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
