There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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