he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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