I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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