The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
