y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
