if only i could text you this smell
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Randomize
