Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Randomize
