Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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