one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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