I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
