At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
