she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Is that strawberry winking at me??
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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