Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize