sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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