God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
i drank out of a bidet.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Randomize
