My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
