Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize