She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
