life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Operation Purity has been aborted
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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