I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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