You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
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