Your mouth is God's brothel.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
