There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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