as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
