I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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