I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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