so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
