Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
