I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
