It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
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