you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
