They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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