I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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