He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Randomize
