Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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