I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize