I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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