I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
