I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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