I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
you traded sex for a burrito?
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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