I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
