I hate your face
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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