I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize