Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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