Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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