1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
