Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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