I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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