I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
