my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
