My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
