i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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