His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
