so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
