Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
